Babysteps…

I never really understood why people insist on taking baby steps…Seriously, why would I take baby steps in life?
If I’ve to be honest, never in my life did I take baby steps, well, maybe when I was an actual baby, I did. Not sure about that. But anyways, since I can remember I did things my way.
I had 2 kids when I probably should have been studying, getting a collegue degree and doing something with my life (which by the way, it’s the way things should be done)
So, as I was saying. Never did I take baby steps…that’s not for me. Like seriously, it would bored me to death.

This topic came to mind yesterday, when I was waiting for the locksmith to finish two sets of keys, one that was destined to non other than my insensitive, unshowing, robotic man (I kid you not, he’s all that, and so much more)
So, as I was waiting for the dude to finish with the fucking keys (so not related to the topic, but why the fuck do locksmith take so fucking long to do a set of keys? it was 2 keys TWO, not twenty seven!). Anyways, like I was getting a key of my house to my BF, and we’ve been in a relationship for like 9 months or so? And we’ve been practically living together for half of that time…and truth be told, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. You know why? Because even when he’s an insensitive, unshowing, stubborn and robotic asshole, he’s mine. And I wouldn’t change him.

I think that what makes us work is that he complements me.

I’m a crazy woman, he’s too damn calm. Like, sometimes I wish something would ruffle his feathers, but until today, nothing does.

Where I seem a well educated sailor in the art of cursing, he rarely does it, which leads me to curse every two fucking words, just to piss him off…which i realize that’s just to ruffle said feathers.

Where I talk too damn much, he’s practilly mute. Which he knows that pisses me the fuck off, which leads to me give him the «silent treatment», and of course he fucking loves that (I’m just realizing this…fucking asshole he is)

But don’t get me wrong…Do I love his insensitive, robotic, uncaring, unshowing, ass? You can bet your tits I do.

Does he pisses me of? Fucking hell, yes he does.

Do I want to punch him in the face sometimes? Hell to the fuck yeah, but at the same time, I wanna kiss the shit out of him (he’s a good kisser…shh I’ll deny that I said that)

Sometimes I look at him and I wonder, why the hell does he put up with me? He should be with someone that’s similar to him. Not with a woman that’s hard around the edges, that has a pretty fucked up sense of humor, that curses all the time, that drinks, smokes…that sometimes resambles more to a man than an actual woman.

Baby steps, my ass.

 

Learning….

I’m learning. Yes, I’m learning how to be in a relationship, and it’s harder and easier at the same time. Harder, because I’m afraid, afraid of failure, of not being enough, of fucking things up, of not being able to give a 100%. And those fears comes from years of hiding behind walls, those doubts comes from a painful past, of trusting someone whom I shouldn’t have trusted. It’s hard to let go of the past, and learn to live in the present, because you want to have a future.

 

Por qué es tan díficil?

Es una pregunta que me hago constantemente. Siempre está presente, ahí en lo más lejano de mi mente. Es la pregunta que me hago, cuando no digo lo que realmente quiero decir; cuando escondo detrás de una máscara de indiferencia, lo que realmente estoy sintiendo.
Me acostumbré a callar todo, a mantener todo guardado en secreto; para que nadie descubra quien soy, que siento, que me pasa, que me molesta. De esta forma, nadie tiene municiones para lastimarme, o al menos así es como yo lo veo.
Aprender a encerrarse en uno mismo es beneficioso, pero también es destructivo. Beneficioso, porque como dije, nadie realmente te conoce, y esto ayuda a que no puedan lastimarte; pero por esa misma razón, que nadie te conozca realmente, es porque termina siendo destructivo. Porque llega un momento, en que ni uno mismo se conoce; porque escondió tanto, calló tanto, reprimió tanto, que termina siendo una persona más, dentro de un mismo cuerpo.